Reasons (Supposedly) Why Christopher Owens Left Girls

Why has one of today’s most stimulating indie-rock bands come to an end? We don’t know, but we’re going to speculate about it. Just as a joke. Or not.

From producing Rebecca Black’s debut album to dedicating himself heart and soul to horticulture (there’s a reason why he loves roses so much), here are our speculations about the future of the Californian singer who has decided to put an end to his group Girls.

Yesterday we told you about Christopher Owens’ decision to leave Girls. Although he assured us that he would continue to write music, no more details about that have come out, nor has the other half of the band, Chet “JR” White, made any statements. So we have speculated about ten possible reasons why the Californian may have left the group. However, all of them are the inventions of twisted minds, and most likely he will set off on a solid solo career.

1. Hannah Hunt is the new Yoko Ono

A tortured fellow like him was doomed to see all his relationships in love end badly, but with Hannah Hunt he seems to have found something stable, judging from their walks together holding hands at Primavera Sound. The singer of Dominant Legs has been doing his head in, like the indie equivalent of Yoko Ono. If she says that they should spend more time together, he listens; deep down she’s got him wrapped around her little finger

2. He wants to do Nirvana covers

Not satisfied with copying his pose on stage, now he’s decided to take over Kurt Cobain and company’s albums. He doesn’t know what to do to become the new point of reference for wrist-slitting tortured souls. Pure desperation. Maybe in homage, his next album will be called something like “I Hate Myself And I Wanna Die”, but with riffs from “Endless Nameless”.

3. He has signed up for Sky Sports to follow the League and the Champions properly (and football takes up a lot of time)

Anyone who follows Christopher Owens on Twitter knows that he is a hardcore football fan, especially of F.C. Barcelona (because of the European Cup we know now that he is also, logically, a fan of the Spanish team). Maybe he’s tired of watching the matches at weird times, alone in bars in San Francisco, and he has decided to move to Europe so he can sign up for Sky Sports and follow the next season properly.

4. He has gone back to the Children of God

In the interview he gave us recently he said about his childhood in the Children of God, cult: “A lot of that was positive for me, I miss a lot of things about my childhood”. These words make us think that maybe Christopher wants to go back to it, to return to the fold, remembering the good old days. And seeing his musical success, the leaders also probably want to take advantage of his popularity to get him to help them recruit new followers—maybe they’ve offered him a lot of money.

5. He has decided to dedicate himself to horticulture and bee-keeping

His rounds of the festivals, full of young girls wearing wreathes of flowers on their heads like Lana Del Rey, gave him an idea for business possibilities. This week’s opening of Paris Fashion Week, with Dior using a million flowers to decorate his show, or Chanel wrapping models in camellias, has ended up confirming his suspicions. There is a niche to be exploited in the flower business and the global network is full of wonderful tutorials on designing bouquets and corsages .

6. He wants to learn to sing on “X Factor”

He’s going to go on “X Factor” to improve his vocal technique. In private, he sings “ To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” whenever he can. But really, what we think is that he wants Gary Barlow to give him advice about how to tone his abdominals and get that washboard stomach action going.

7. He’s entirely overwhelmed by his success and wants to get back to his roots

The success that they’ve had in just a few years could overwhelm anyone, but especially a fragile soul like Owens. He felt more comfortable performing in small venues for 100 or 200 people, and overnight he’s found himself playing at big festivals, with a luxurious back-up band and several backing singers to give polish to his songs. It’s too much for him and he wants to go back to being practically unknown.

8. He has left Girls to join the cast of the second season of “Girls”

When the Girls song “Magic” was played in the wedding scene in the final episode of the season, the circle was closed. The name, the band, the series—they are all hipster icons. All told, Owens joining the cast of the well-known HBO series would be a very logical step. At least if his character had a band, it would surely be better than Charlie’s Questionable Goods.

9. It’s a marketing strategy and he wants to play in a bunch of stadiums in ten years

Speaking plainly, he’s turned into James Murphy. Our boy isn’t stupid. He wants to inflate the legend, so that he can become the headliner in all of the festivals in the whole world a decade from now. It’s a good way to save up for his retirement.

10. He’s going to produce Rebecca Black’s expected debut album

He already said it on Twitter, when he gave the world the dreadful news that he’s leaving: “I will keep writing and recording music”. But he hasn’t said who he will be writing those new songs for. Keeping in mind his fascination with young pop stars, we have our bet made: Rebecca Black. The little one-hit-wonder needs a 180-degree change of direction in her career, and working with Owens closely could help her get out of the awful Disney Club circle. Of course, it’s a gold mine.

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